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I can't keep it inside me anymore. I need to write this out. 

I feel like I'm being used, gossiped, talked about constantly and there's no way I can make it stop. I don't know what is going on, but I'm so heartbroken or heartbroken-er now. 

So many times, I have been given clues/signs that the boy I spoke about in my last journal "my epiphany over my love life" wanted to be together with me again, both from the boy himself and from other people who were friends or acquaintances with him. The first time it happened, I had the guts to tell him I had a crush on him because I realized he was flirting with me and that he was pursuing me from the start by trying to make me jealous saying how hot and pretty other girls were constantly in my face, but when I finally told him my feelings he replied that he was flattered, but since we were in the same class we should keep things "professional."

The second time was when I found out that he had a girlfriend, he told me "I had a smokeshow girlfriend, but thanks for the offer" and then later a rumor spread that he "screwed up" because he made a mistake. I thought this was true, because many people hinted that he would come back, and so I denied many offers I got from other (more decent) guys. But 4 months had passed, and nothing happened.

The third time, the rumors spread even more to places like popular media, and they were along the lines of "he realized that I was his soulmate" and that he realized I was "the one." Again, many people hinted that he would come back, and frowned when I was flirting with other guys because I was "cheating" in some way. Today I asked him what's going on, because for some reason everyone seems to know word by word the messages I had exchanged with him online through facebook messages(the exact conversations we had) asking how do so many people know about the facebook messages he and I sent to each other(because only HE has the messages), and he says "I don't know, please don't contact me, I'm uncomfortable, I feel like you're stalking me."

I'm so tired of being played, rejected, and heart broken.

And I'm so tired of people seeing me as a desperate stalker girl who can't get over a guy who has said no to her many times, and then start spreading rumors that he wants to be together with me again because of a "mistake" and I shouldn't be "cheating" because this guys still likes me.

I'm not cheating on ANYBODY can't you see that he told me no many times, because he just doesn't care? Or if he does, he's only doing this to get attention?

I'm being used and gossiped for people's enjoyment. I'm more tired than heartbroken now to be honest, but it still hurts because people will not stop talking about it to just let me move on. 

When will this stop?
  • Mood: Stuck
I am so confused. 

Have you ever had this happen to you, where rumors have been going around about somebody you had conversations with and many people seem to know about it? And the only logical explanation is that the person you had these conversations with is the one who is telling other people about it?

I'm in a situation where I had some conversations with a particular person, and many MANY MANY people seem to know about them. In fact, so many to the point where I thought something actually happened. But today, I confronted the person I had conversations with and he said to stop messaging him because he felt uncomfortable like I was stalking him, and that I was harassing him. 

Something is not right here. I might be going crazy, but somebody must have hacked into our phones or FB, and started making up grand stories to tell. Who exactly is doing this, I don't know. Why are they doing this, that I have no idea either. 

Has this ever happened to you before?
  • Mood: Stuck

I just read the news about Pope Francis.

So what is my opinion on women's right to choose? I will be very honest, I am not sure. You probably don't believe me, but I'll explain why.

I remember in highschool one day me and my friends were chatting after school and we brought the topic up. There were four of us, 3 girls 1 guy. The two girls said they were fine with abortion, and when it was my turn to talk, I said very nicely to them(because I grew up in an environment where abortion was treated lightheartedly and passed off as nothing), "I just didn't think it was right." And I remember the only guy in the group was like going "YES" and the two girls were really surprised and asked me why.

The reason I said I didn't think it was right, was because I read a manga/comic series called xxxHolic, and in this particular chapter of the series, there was a story about an aborted baby ghost. If you're interested in reading about it, it's chapters 205-206.

I read this chapter when I was 14-15 years old, around that age. All I could remember was how shocking and sad I felt for the ghost, because when you read the chapter, you don't see the ghost. It can't talk, it has no physical form like all the other ghosts in the manga series, but it was there, and only Watanuki (the main character of xxxHolic series) could see the aborted baby ghost because he had this psychic magic power to see ghosts/spirits etc.

Throughout the chapter, Watanuki is holding the ghost and the ghost baby panics and freaks out by slicing him up, and Watanuki is comforting the ghost by saying how it shouldn't have been thrown away by other's conveniences. Throughout the chapter after the action scene ends, Watanuki is helping the aborted ghost cross a bridge that supposedly goes to the "afterlife" to go be reincarnated.

The baby ghost hesitates and asks, "Not mother?" when Watanuki tells it to cross the bridge.

And Watanuki says, "No, but I'm sure next time your mother will say, thank you for being born. So for now, cross the bridge and wait. For the next time."

After I explained to them that's why I didn't like abortion, the two girls said, "well, the only reason I support it is for women who were raped."

I couldn't disagree with their reasoning on this either, and I'll explain why.

In another manga chapter I read, from the manga called "Basara"(which is a masterpiece epic shoujo manga series), there was a back-story on one of the villains, a lady called the White King.

I couldn't find the chapter number, but throughout the back-story of this villain, she was a princess who was married off to a lord by her father, the king. Later on her husband was murdered/assassinated and accused of betraying the crown, the princess was brought back to her father's castle.

When she was brought back to the castle, her father raped her. Later she got pregnant, and it was horrifying to read because the guard was talking about how she should be careful about bearing her late husband's child, and the princess suddenly started laughing(manically) explaining how her late husband didn't touch her because he wanted to wait until she was older since she was only 12 years old. Her father raped her, took her virginity when she was just 12 years old, and now she was pregnant with her father's child.

Throughout the chapter, the princess did give birth to the child, but she then told her guard to kill the baby. And although that is a horrible thing for any person to do(because I read the xxxHolic chapter on the aborted baby ghost before I read this manga), I couldn't find it in my heart to blame her, like I know she was a fictional person and anime/manga character, but she was barely a teenager when she got raped and pregnant, by her own father. Later when the guard did kill the baby, the princess told the guard to bring the baby back, because she wanted the baby again. But the guard already killed it(actually the author didn't reveal whether or not he DID kill the baby, it was left speculating whether or not the child was really the princess's incest baby or a stolen baby from someone else.) and the princess raised this baby and psychologically tormented it throughout the rest of its life. It was horrifying to read and disgusting(I don't recommend reading this as a teenager, it was very traumatizing for me to read and I remember it shook me up for a couple days after I read it).

That's why I'm undecided. I don't like talking about this stuff, because people start accusing me of being evil and when I try to explain to them why I think what I think, people usually don't listen. Or they start calling me a baby/softie by saying "it's no big deal" when I don't think it's just nothing, and they belittle me for it.

I do support women's right to choose, and the reason I do is for women who have been raped or even worst circumstances that I don't even know about. However, I don't agree that it's a good thing and that's it's "nothing" and I say this coming from my own POV from watching anime & reading manga that bring up this issue from time to time. Actually to be honest, I am still undecided about it, but I think if everyone thought about it, without any outside influences like society/media/culture, it's not right for us to meddle with human lives.

One last thing, I don't like it when abortion activists try to convince rape victims about abortion, because it is NONE of their business. If you were in their position, and sadly this DOES happen where girls have been raped and impregnated by their fathers, uncles, cousins, and brothers, you have no say in the matter UNLESS you have been raped and impregnated by your own father, uncle, brother or cousin. People have their reasons, and you should NEVER assume things.  

I find incest really disgusting. If people are just going to point fingers and call me evil for that, then fine go ahead.

Anyway, that's what I think. If I'm an evil person now, then fine, that's your opinion and you're entitled to it.

  • Mood: Stuck
CloudNovel: How to add Spritesheet Animation by canarycharm
CloudNovel: How to add Spritesheet Animation
Put together a quick tutorial on how to add spritesheet animations, read the tutorial here: cloudnovel.net/viewtopic?f=4&a…
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I know I'm going to disappoint a lot of people by saying this, but it has to be said.

Today, while working at my shift at my bakery, I overheard two guys talking. They were two guys around my age, 22-23 years of age, and they looked like typical college guys. They were talking how hard it was for a guy to give and show commitment, and I couldn't help but think to my own "romantic" life.

I've been infatuated with a conservative catholic boy I met in college for a very long time, but after hearing what those guys said, I don't think I hold any shred of feeling for this boy left anymore.

You see, this boy was like all the other boys, who saw how physically appealing I was one night, and decided to pursue me. I did not like him at first, because like all the guys, I would assume he would give up/tire out after he realized how ungirly I was and how masculine/tomboyish I really am. After a while though, I did see that he was just like me, we did have similar interest, and he grew on me. That was when I started becoming infatuated with him. However, at that time, I hid my feelings from him because I didn't want to be in a relationship, because I knew I wanted to focus on CloudNovel/Joilly, and I didn't have time for a boyfriend.

Fast forward a year later, I found out he now had a girlfriend. His exact words were, "I have a smokeshow girlfriend now, but thanks for the offer." After he sent that to me, a lot of people in college were disappointed in him, so that's why he was pressured by society to say "I screwed up" so a rumor spread in college where he "made a mistake" when in reality he didn't, he only wanted to protect his self image. He didn't contact me for 4 months, and later when I saw his girfriend, I felt relieved because i realized this girl was not pretty or physically appealing, she was actually quite overweight. It surprised me, but then I realized the reason why he liked this girl was not for her looks, but it was for her personality. She was a typical party girl, who liked to drink get drunk and had a college social life. That was when I realized that he chose her over me because this girl was just like him, a typical party guy who liked to drink, have sex, party, and do drugs. On the other hand, I was a socially awkward geek girl who had ambitions to build a successful website and studio, and I was very occupied with my online reputation with my professional life over my college social life.

Another half year passed, and now all of a sudden, I hear rumors, just rumors, that he now all of a sudden is interested in me again.

I know him a bit more now, and this guy LOVES to be the center of attention. I think the only reason he is doing this now, saying he "wants to be with me" is to only have the attention on him, and he does not really want to be committed or be with me, and if he does, he's only doing it for the attention that I am giving him. Why do I know this? Because again, I am hearing only rumors. The boy in question is not contacting me directly himself, and 3 months have passed.

I don't think he wants to be with me or wants to marry me, EVER. I honestly think he is being pressured by society and the media right now to show "commitment" when in truth he is too young and immature, and he wants to be "free." I know he is not ready to be in any serious relationship, and I feel it's really unfair that now the whole WORLD is pressuring him to be with me, when he does not want to.

Most importantly, the way I was raised, I value my chastity/virginity a lot. I only want to give myself to one person, and that is my future husband. And honestly, I don't want to give my first time to a party boy who'd rather drink and do drugs, and have instant satisfaction with multiple girls. If he doesn't see how valuable i was in the first place, then what's the point of me waiting now hoping he will change? People don't change. Besides, how do I know if he's only trying to be with me now because of my material worth?

And after thinking about it, I want to be with a man who can support me financially and who can take care of me. I'd know for sure he'd genuinely love me for me, not for my material worth. I know my worth, and honestly I am worth a lot more than some college party drunk girlfriend. I want to be spoiled, I want to be bought expensive things, and be treated liked a princess by a man who adores me, not treat me like a college party bimbo drunk who does drugs. Also, what qualities does he really have that is similar to me? I'm ambitious, I want to change the world, and I want to do great things. I want to be with a man who is also ambitious, wants to change and make the world a better place, and wants to do great things. I don't see that in him. All I see is a normal boy, who wants to have fun, get drunk and party.

 

The reason he is not contacting me, is because he does not want to be with me. He is young, probably too afraid to show commitment, and he just wants his freedom.

I don't want to wait for a boy to grow up, I need a man to take care of me.

Most importantly, my first time is important to me, and I don't want to give my virginity to someone who left me for another girl. I'm saving my virginity for my husband and my REAL soulmate.

  • Mood: Excited
Skights Main Menu by canarycharm
Skights Main Menu
Main Menu screen for Skights my latest otome game, play here(it's free): cloudnovel.net/play?n=Skights
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Skights Chapter 5, Screenshot by canarycharm
Skights Chapter 5, Screenshot
Play the otome game Skights here: cloudnovel.net/play?n=Skights
Skights chapter 5 preview,

No set date yet for the release of Skights chapter 5, but I'm working on it! :D
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Skights: Colin Carrying Cassandra by canarycharm
Skights: Colin Carrying Cassandra
An old CG from Skights chatper 3,

Play Skights the otome game here: cloudnovel.net/play?n=Skights

Art is originally by :iconharu-tchi:
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Skights: Cherry City BG by canarycharm
Skights: Cherry City BG
New BG in Skights Chapter 5 (I'm working on it!)

Play Skights otome game here: cloudnovel.net/play?n=Skights
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Skights: Throne Room Background by canarycharm
Skights: Throne Room Background
Throne room, new BG in the otome game Skights chapter 5 (I'm still working on it)

Play Skights here: cloudnovel.net/play?n=Skights
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Video Tutorial: Game Stats by canarycharm
Video Tutorial: Game Stats
Watch the tutorial here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKVwcN…

I designed the thumbnail for this video~

Again, art is by the talented Konett


Hope this helps everyone!
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Hey guys, made a FB page for my art since that's what everyone's been doing :D
www.facebook.com/canarycharm
Please like it! 
July Jam has ended! by canarycharm
July Jam has ended!
Read the post here: cloudnovel.net/viewtopic?f=25&…

Hope you guys had fun making horrific visual novels :D
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Donald Trump Dating Sim by canarycharm
Donald Trump Dating Sim
Play here: cloudnovel.net/play?n=569a020d…

Made a dating sim game based off of 2016 presidential candidate Donald Trump, enjoy!
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Video Tutorial: Main Menu by canarycharm
Video Tutorial: Main Menu
Watch the tutorial here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWbqGf…

I designed the thumbnail for this video~

Again, art(not used in this tutorial, but the art in the VN project's library) is by the talented Konett


Hope this helps everyone!
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canarycharm's Profile Picture
canarycharm
馨雅 Sonya X.
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
I'm a programming chick who makes otome games
I can't keep it inside me anymore. I need to write this out. 

I feel like I'm being used, gossiped, talked about constantly and there's no way I can make it stop. I don't know what is going on, but I'm so heartbroken or heartbroken-er now. 

So many times, I have been given clues/signs that the boy I spoke about in my last journal "my epiphany over my love life" wanted to be together with me again, both from the boy himself and from other people who were friends or acquaintances with him. The first time it happened, I had the guts to tell him I had a crush on him because I realized he was flirting with me and that he was pursuing me from the start by trying to make me jealous saying how hot and pretty other girls were constantly in my face, but when I finally told him my feelings he replied that he was flattered, but since we were in the same class we should keep things "professional."

The second time was when I found out that he had a girlfriend, he told me "I had a smokeshow girlfriend, but thanks for the offer" and then later a rumor spread that he "screwed up" because he made a mistake. I thought this was true, because many people hinted that he would come back, and so I denied many offers I got from other (more decent) guys. But 4 months had passed, and nothing happened.

The third time, the rumors spread even more to places like popular media, and they were along the lines of "he realized that I was his soulmate" and that he realized I was "the one." Again, many people hinted that he would come back, and frowned when I was flirting with other guys because I was "cheating" in some way. Today I asked him what's going on, because for some reason everyone seems to know word by word the messages I had exchanged with him online through facebook messages(the exact conversations we had) asking how do so many people know about the facebook messages he and I sent to each other(because only HE has the messages), and he says "I don't know, please don't contact me, I'm uncomfortable, I feel like you're stalking me."

I'm so tired of being played, rejected, and heart broken.

And I'm so tired of people seeing me as a desperate stalker girl who can't get over a guy who has said no to her many times, and then start spreading rumors that he wants to be together with me again because of a "mistake" and I shouldn't be "cheating" because this guys still likes me.

I'm not cheating on ANYBODY can't you see that he told me no many times, because he just doesn't care? Or if he does, he's only doing this to get attention?

I'm being used and gossiped for people's enjoyment. I'm more tired than heartbroken now to be honest, but it still hurts because people will not stop talking about it to just let me move on. 

When will this stop?
  • Mood: Stuck

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:iconbaileybushes:
BaileyBushes Featured By Owner 8 hours ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hi wonderful deviantartist I've decided to watch! I just want to offer you something... a hug. Glomp! Hug Huggle! Tight HugYou deserve it! Forget all those pansy chains that say you need (insert number) of hugs to be truly loved, all you need is ONE person to show their appreciation for you to know that you are beautiful and of amazing worth! I just want you to know that no matter what, you are important  to me, you deserve a smile on your face, and happiness in your heart. Have a very, very splendid day/night wherever you are!


~Bailey, just a random friend!
 :allyouneedislove: by stuck-in-suburbia :thatssocute: by stuck-in-suburbia :lovesquee: by stuck-in-suburbia Hug a heart by Colorcatcher
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:iconbaileybushes:
BaileyBushes Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for being one truly remarkable and magnificent artist! You're very inspiring and the motivation you give me always makes me aspire to be a better person. Smile!
:glomp: :tighthug: love emote by snorasaurus :allyouneedislove: by stuck-in-suburbia :thatssocute: by stuck-in-suburbia :lovesquee: by stuck-in-suburbia Hug a heart by Colorcatcher New avatar by Colorcatcher
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(1 Reply)
:iconjoshystar:
Joshystar Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2015
hey thanks for the watch! :wave:
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:iconstarokii:
Starokii Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
asdfghjkl///;; what program do you use to make your visual novels? >v< thankiess! ;;;
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(1 Reply)
:iconsamonsea:
Samonsea Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2015
:iconletmehugyouplz::iconletmehugyouplz::iconletmehugyouplz::iconletmehugyouplz::iconletmehugyouplz::iconletmehugyouplz::iconmonkeyloveplz::iconletmehugyouplz::iconletmehugyouplz::iconletmehugyouplz:
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