My epiphany over my love life

I know I'm going to disappoint a lot of people by saying this, but it has to be said.

Today, while working at my shift at my bakery, I overheard two guys talking. They were two guys around my age, 22-23 years of age, and they looked like typical college guys. They were talking how hard it was for a guy to give and show commitment, and I couldn't help but think to my own "romantic" life.

I've been infatuated with a conservative catholic boy I met in college for a very long time, but after hearing what those guys said, I don't think I hold any shred of feeling for this boy left anymore.

You see, this boy was like all the other boys, who saw how physically appealing I was one night, and decided to pursue me. I did not like him at first, because like all the guys, I would assume he would give up/tire out after he realized how ungirly I was and how masculine/tomboyish I really am. After a while though, I did see that he was just like me, we did have similar interest, and he grew on me. That was when I started becoming infatuated with him. However, at that time, I hid my feelings from him because I didn't want to be in a relationship, because I knew I wanted to focus on CloudNovel/Joilly, and I didn't have time for a boyfriend.

Fast forward a year later, I found out he now had a girlfriend. His exact words were, "I have a smokeshow girlfriend now, but thanks for the offer." After he sent that to me, a lot of people in college were disappointed in him, so that's why he was pressured by society to say "I screwed up" so a rumor spread in college where he "made a mistake" when in reality he didn't, he only wanted to protect his self image. He didn't contact me for 4 months, and later when I saw his girfriend, I felt relieved because i realized this girl was not pretty or physically appealing, she was actually quite overweight. It surprised me, but then I realized the reason why he liked this girl was not for her looks, but it was for her personality. She was a typical party girl, who liked to drink get drunk and had a college social life. That was when I realized that he chose her over me because this girl was just like him, a typical party guy who liked to drink, have sex, party, and do drugs. On the other hand, I was a socially awkward geek girl who had ambitions to build a successful website and studio, and I was very occupied with my online reputation with my professional life over my college social life.

Another half year passed, and now all of a sudden, I hear rumors, just rumors, that he now all of a sudden is interested in me again.

I know him a bit more now, and this guy LOVES to be the center of attention. I think the only reason he is doing this now, saying he "wants to be with me" is to only have the attention on him, and he does not really want to be committed or be with me, and if he does, he's only doing it for the attention that I am giving him. Why do I know this? Because again, I am hearing only rumors. The boy in question is not contacting me directly himself, and 3 months have passed.

I don't think he wants to be with me or wants to marry me, EVER. I honestly think he is being pressured by society and the media right now to show "commitment" when in truth he is too young and immature, and he wants to be "free." I know he is not ready to be in any serious relationship, and I feel it's really unfair that now the whole WORLD is pressuring him to be with me, when he does not want to.

Most importantly, the way I was raised, I value my chastity/virginity a lot. I only want to give myself to one person, and that is my future husband. And honestly, I don't want to give my first time to a party boy who'd rather drink and do drugs, and have instant satisfaction with multiple girls. If he doesn't see how valuable i was in the first place, then what's the point of me waiting now hoping he will change? People don't change. Besides, how do I know if he's only trying to be with me now because of my material worth?

And after thinking about it, I want to be with a man who can support me financially and who can take care of me. I'd know for sure he'd genuinely love me for me, not for my material worth. I know my worth, and honestly I am worth a lot more than some college party drunk girlfriend. I want to be spoiled, I want to be bought expensive things, and be treated liked a princess by a man who adores me, not treat me like a college party bimbo drunk who does drugs. Also, what qualities does he really have that is similar to me? I'm ambitious, I want to change the world, and I want to do great things. I want to be with a man who is also ambitious, wants to change and make the world a better place, and wants to do great things. I don't see that in him. All I see is a normal boy, who wants to have fun, get drunk and party.

The reason he is not contacting me, is because he does not want to be with me. He is young, probably too afraid to show commitment, and he just wants his freedom.

I don't want to wait for a boy to grow up, I need a man to take care of me.

Most importantly, my first time is important to me, and I don't want to give my virginity to someone who left me for another girl. I'm saving my virginity for my husband and my REAL soulmate.